


A Lie Worth to Live

by supernewwanderer



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/F, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-09
Updated: 2020-12-09
Packaged: 2021-03-10 00:34:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,685
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27975204
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/supernewwanderer/pseuds/supernewwanderer
Summary: One fateful kiss aboard hooks ship en route to rescue Henry may start a whole cascade of memories for one hurt queen.
Relationships: Evil Queen | Regina Mills/Emma Swan
Kudos: 18





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So I wrote a little fic. It is Swan Queen, a bit rough around the edges but you get the idea.
> 
> this is my first try and I would be ecstatic if someone would take a little time out of their day to comment and criticize this in a constructive way.
> 
> English isn't my first language and I have some problems writing it properly so if there are some major mistakes (and there are) just point me in the direction and I'll try to terminate them.
> 
> I don't own Once Upon A Time or any characters which I may have mentioned, this is purely for entertainment.

The lips to which yours are pressed are chapped and tasted salty; you never expected this to happen, to feel another person so intimate. You haven't felt such warmth in a very long time. The room was dark and damp, the motion of the rolling waves only kept at bay through the embrace you were in, the embrace that couldn't be.

You shouldn't be feeling this glimmer of happiness at a mere touch of lips. Not in this place. Not at this time. Perhaps never. It cost more strength than it should to break the embrace, to part from this dry and hungry mouth.

"Miss Swan, what were you thinking?" you were surprised at yourself and your lack of hesitation in what and how you said it.

"Regina, don't!"

"I have absolutely no idea to what you are referring!"

"You can't tell me that you haven't felt anything! Oh God, Regina! At least look at me!"

But you couldn't. How could you ever, when you were sure to only see what you so desperately wanted to forget? When all you would see there would hurt.

Emma didn't leave you a choice though, and turned you regardlessly. You did all to not look upon those eyes that would just haunt you long after they stopped regarding you.

"Miss Swan you can't deny that the circumstances in which we find ourselves currently are more than a little extraordinary thus our reactions to them might be a bit more extreme and ridiculous than what would normally happen. So there is no need for this."

"Bullshit! I have never felt something like this and I know you felt it, too. Regina why can't you just accept what happens between us? Why can't you let go? This, all of this started long before we were crammed on to this walnut of a ship!"

Yes, it did, didn't it? Long before magic even entered this land, when it was still only a mayor and a sheriff, a mayor and a deputy, simply two mothers. She challenged you, made you feel emotions you almost forgot. Ignited a passion you thought long dead. Other feelings started to simmer next to your ever present anger, feelings you did not want to analyze.

"Because you are wrong! This does not mean anything." You looked at her to deliver that, calm and restrained, driving the point home. But oh, what a mistake that was. You can't help the feeling of loss that moved into your very soul at what you see: dirtied and rumpled clothes, a stance ready for a futile fight, unkempt hair and a face that screams desperation with eyes full of emotions you only have ever seen directed at you once. But if you are honest with yourself, have never seen this clearly and unabashedly.

"How can you say that?" you hurt her. You hurt her badly, "how can you say that it doesn't mean anything. That it doesn't matter? What I feel for you is…"

"Is an infatuation, nothing more and nothing less. As I said before: this is a special situation and I am your closest link to Henry."

"No, this is more!"

"Are you trying to tell me that you love me?"

"Well, I - ."

"This is preposterous! There has been nothing but disgust between us. And what kind of love could we possibly have? You are too late."

It is unnerving how she refuses to drop your eyes or how you are unable to do it just the same.

"What do you mean to late? Regina you deserve to be loved, and to love in return."

"Oh, but I have dear. A lifetime ago." You say it with a smile ripe with resignation. 

"This doesn't mean you can't love again, that you can't be loved again."

She speaks with such a conviction that you really want to believe her, but how can you when it would turn your life in a lie.

"But that's exactly what it means! Don't you understand that all I ever did was because of that love? That all I ever wanted was to find my happy ending again after it was so painfully ripped away from me." You can't stop now, not when she looks at you with so much pain, for herself, for you, for this relationship that can't be. "If this means something, anything, than I did all for naught. Daniel triggered this, my love for him! I turned into something I never wanted to be. I suffered more than anyone should and now you come in here," you don't know which here you mean, this room or your life, your heart, "and tell me that you love me, that I should let go because what we feel is real. No, I simply can't let go! Decades of pain and in the end I did it for a person that never was intended for me? It cost me so much and it should now be worthless?" 

Not only has all fight left your body but hers as well. She sagged into herself with an expression you can't read anymore.

"Maybe all of this happened so we could meet, so that we could have a chance at a happy ending. Couldn't I be worth everything you had to endure?"

Despite the ever moving water and the noises of the ship that seemed to breathe in the life you just exhaled, were the moments after her question still and deafening. You couldn't look at her any longer. And soon afterwards were her scrappy boots on the wood floor the only sounds you could perceive.


	2. Chapter 2

You find yourself up early on this journey that seems to be never-ending already. Thick fog rolls over the calm water and dampens the ship, which surely must be enchanted to even be able to sail in this motionless expanse. It wasn't a very wise choice to sit down on the deck; the dampness that was kept from your skin because of your clothes now seeps through your pants, chilling your flesh and bones.

With the things on your mind you find you hardly care, though. You stare of into the distance, trying to overlook the sea, the direction in which you are sailing without success. The fog is too dense and your view is restricted to the a few feet in front of you.

The events of last night play heavily on repeat in your mind. The kiss you shared with Emma but more importantly her words are the reason you can't sleep. Never have you even contemplated to be able to feel so much with someone else. With someone other than Daniel. He was supposed to be your one, or so you thought.

The pain you felt when your own mother ripped his beating heart out of his chest in front of you and then crushed it to nothing but dust, only because little precious Snow White couldn't keep a simple secret, still crushes your own heart, your own soul.

It is hard to think about the following months when everything was so raw. The time in which your feelings could still be hurt. When you wore a beautiful white dress to marry a man who was a mere stranger. To become the mother of a child that betrayed you to the fullest, while you were only a child yourself. It was the time your mother showed you that your worth was bound to the power you could acquire and your father showed you that love truly is weakness.

It wasn't a big surprise that your mother acted the way she did, after all you were afraid to tell her about your love to the stable boy with good reason. You knew she wouldn't accept it, but as long as she didn't know you could pretend that she would support you, as a mother should. Surprising was, however, that your father did nothing. He never protected you when you were bodily abused and you grew used to it but you hoped that his love for you, the love you had for him in return, would make him stop the madness that was a marriage that you didn't want. He was your last option, your last hope. You had faith in him and he just stood by. You should have acted on your own, if you hadn't waited for anybody else that claimed to love you, you would have been free. Yes, love is weakness. Relying on people is weakness.

Waking up each day in a bed that you shared with a man who made you feel disgusting, caring for a carefree child that had no idea of what she caused was just the right pressure on your wounded heart to numb it. The pain lessened and your anger grew until you couldn't distinguish anything else.

You held on to Daniel's body, hoping to bring him back. At the same time you wanted to make the people around you suffer, how you had to suffer. Foremost Snow White.

She, of course, found her true love and despite their struggles was able to keep him. You threw a lot in their way and couldn't harm them, they just came out stronger. It is almost funny how an unthinking Snow White stole your happiness, while you paid and paid to take hers and no success was ever coming forth.

Your actions became extremer and more violent. You didn't care anymore about those who were harmed by your actions. Late at night when you couldn't sleep, you just lay in your bed trying to find yourself. It was a hard thing to do in the dark while it was quiet, it was impossible in the light of day when all you did was act and react. You were not able to recognize the direction in which you were headed, when you were able to glimpse into yourself. You cried rivers for what you lost.

You formed a reality in which you were always haunted, no friends, no allies. Trust was a mere word. And hate the only emotion you could evoke in anyone. Daniel was still unreachable nothing changed besides the scars on your heart.

You had to flee.

The Dark Curse was your best option. The royal baby was about to be born and a scorching reminder of all you could never have. Rewriting the stories of everyone around you was more than appealing. You were in charge once more, able to create your happy ending.

And it worked beautifully. No-one dared to oppose you, no-one was overly in love or happy, you didn't have to be afraid of someone backstabbing you. You could finally relax, after half a life of war games and destruction. A new start.

But it got lonely. And as strange as it seems, you longed for love. And you wanted to give love, something you never thought possible. But it was. And your love only grew when this beautiful, perfect baby you once held near to your heart grew into an intelligent and curious boy. And didn't he love you back once?

It had to end of course. Like everything did, sooner than you anticipated and more painful, too. You were a mother to him for ten years. You were good to him. Giving him love and a home and he threw it back in your face. Getting his 'real mom' that doubted your ability to love, when it was so obvious in your fear to lose him.

The same woman who is now on this ship. The same woman who claims to love you. The same woman who claims that she is worth all the pain. The pain caused by her mother, by your parents and her dearest friends. The woman that has caused you pain herself. When she lied to you and didn't leave your home. When she riled your son up against you. And finally when she took him from you to live with Snow White.

The same woman that makes you feel more than you have for decades.

'Couldn't I be worth everything you had to endure?' you don't want to think that way and yet, you can't help the 'what if she is right?'. You endured a lot of pain for Daniel, to get him back and have you happy ending with him. You like to believe that he would have been worth it, his love for you. The old you for you are different now, you wish, you weren't but you are.

Would he have been able to accept it? You were so young and full of trust and innocence. This is not true any longer. His death was the start of an avalanche of events that robbed you of it. His death brought you to this place and time. To these people you share a ship with. To Emma with whom you feel so much. Her presence has an impact on you that not even Daniel's had, and it pains you to think that.

What if you have been wrong most of your life? What if Daniel was never meant for you in the first place? You endured all for him, because he was supposed to be your true love. What if Emma was destined to fill this place all along? Could Daniel just be fate's cruel way of ensuring that it would happen? Was he just a tool to bring you to this place and time?

It hurts to think that way. You do not only hurt for Daniel's life or your own, but for everyone you hurt. Tears roll down your cheeks as the fog slowly clears and some rays of light win the fight and meet the Jolly Roger. How ironic that the day promises to be a beautiful one when you feel more miserable than ever.

Just remembering the kiss of the day before makes you realize how possible it is that Emma and you share something special.

And despite all the negative things Emma brought into your life, she is also the reason for a lot of positive things. Henry is willing to see the good in you after he called you evil for such a long time. She is the reason that Henry is in your life, period.

Hell, she even saved your life while risking hers. The question that remains isn't whether Emma is worth it but whether you are.

The Dark Curse should bring you your happy ending at the cost of others; instead it gave you Emma and with her comes a chance to redeem yourself. To mend the relationship you once had with a little girl and the one to your son, you can finally have a family. But so many can't.

So many were lost because of you and your actions. It is beyond you how you ever expected to be happy with the knowledge of your deeds - even with Daniel. How can you claim happiness when countless don't even have the chance to breathe.

Or is this the reason you should explore the connection between Emma and you?

If this was really fate's way of bringing Emma and you together wouldn't it have been all for naught should you deny it?

'Love again'. Perhaps you can. Though, it was the truth when you said that the current situation is an extreme one, thus not suitable to make life altering decisions. You still have the nights for yourself and your thoughts. Once you have found Henry, and you are sure you will, you can talk to Emma and both of you can decide.

It is now Emma and her parents step on the deck. You try to catch her eyes to try to communicate your resolve to explore your connection, to show her you are willing to reconsider everything you ever thought to be true. As you look into her eyes that are reflecting the sun that conquered the fog, she started to smile, seemingly understanding what you are trying to tell without words.

You begin to think that she might be worth the life of lies you lived.


End file.
